Cat Flap Butts in Nepal

Namaste everyone out there!

I figured since I am in a place that has pretty reliable internet I should keep the ball rolling and do another update so I don't get super far behind like I have been. Maybe it'll make my blog more interesting cause I'll actually be able remember everything rather than forget it all as the months slip away.

So this time around you guys get to hear about me and Brit's adventures in Nepal! Honestly I don't think it will be as good as my last couple entries cause we didn't get up to as much exciting stuff but I think most of you reading this will find it a bit funnier cause it seems you all like to laugh at my misery and at how sick and poopy my butt gets. Well Nepal definetly kicked my ass in that department which made for a pretty wretched few days, both for me and Brit. I feel I should say this now though, because anytime I talk to anyone back at home all they wanna know about is how sick I am, I am not as violently ill as regularily as some of you may think (or perhaps hope) I am. Sorry to anyone that has been getting a good chuckle at my misfortune but since Nepal I have pretty much been 100% healthy. However, just by typing that I have probably jinxed myself and am now going to get the worst shits I've had yet...

Anyways, onto the blog! So we left my parents in Johdpur and caught an overnight train to Delhi where we hopped on our next flight to Kathmandu. It was a quick once since the places are real close to each other and after several weeks in India I was glad to be outta the country. I will def miss the delicious food though. I neglected to mention in my last update how me and Brit ate like starving pigs while in India. But, we feasted alot on tons of different curry dishes, kofta, aloo ghobi, tandoori, jasmine rice, and naan bread. I'm guessing not all of you know what some of those dishes are so you'll have to trust me that they are delicious but will made you gain hella weight super fast. Brit and I are both fatties after India. Ok, onto Nepal for real now.

So we got into Kathmandu and were pretty relieved to see that it was a lot less hectic than the India cities. We got into a guesthouse and were psyched on how cheap it was $3 dollars a night for both of us! Then we hit the streets. The area we were in was pretty much a giant market for the whitey's travelling there. Every building was a store selling knick knacks or trekking gear, and if it wasn't selling that stuff it was a restuarant selling super cheap food. We stayed a couple nights in the city trying to figure out what we wanted to do while in the country since we really had no idea. We aren't the biggest hikers so neither of us were super big on trekking but it seemed like the thing to do so we planned on going for about a 4 night trek in the mountains. Along with that, we planned to head to Chitwan National Park to see the Rhino's, one of the animals we kinda missed out on seeming in Africa (we saw some of them but they were pretty far away). We met a guy from Boston named Andrew who took us to his guesthouse where we met an Aussie couple named Steve and Amy. Steve was a big climber and gave us tons of tips on where to go and what to do in Nepal. We took his ideas and had our route set for the country. They had just come back from Chitwan (which is one of the reasons we got psyched to go) and Steve was covered in ticks from walking around the jungle. He had about 8 on him but was saying that was nothing cause back home in Australia he's had close to 200 on him at a time. He also let us know we would most likely get a few in Chitwan...since I love blood sucking creatures burrowing into my skin I was pretty psyched to hear that. We went out to dinner with them all one night and the place kept bringing everyone free shots of the local rice wine...which wasn't wine at all it was high octane booze that smelled putrid (brew) and even though I didn't drink any I can imagine it tasted like poop. Brit downed a few shots though. On one of the nights while we were sitting around the bonfire some slick looking middle Eastern guy was there getting super wasted. Apparently he was part of some mafia type organization and had the staff waiting on him hand and foot. It was pretty funny/sketchy cause the guy was wasted almost falling into the fire and saying absurd shit, but no one could do anything about him for fear of gettin gunned down or somethin weird like that. He also started to freak out and accuse Steve of stealing his wallet and his phone...

So we set off to Chitwan on a pretty decent bus compared to what we were used too. Once we got there we were accosted by touts trying to get us into their guesthouses. We dodged all the grabby hands and went with one guy who was polite enough not to get nose to nose with us and shout in our faces to come with him. Got to our guesthouse and got our stuff all organized for our jungle safari. Part of the deal was we got to go to an elephant breeding center and pet the baby elephants that evening. I was super excited for this cause in Africa I missed out on the baby elephants due to being a sick mess nearly unconscious on the floor of the squatter toilet bathroom. So we loaded up and headed out to see some baby pachyderms!

Once we got there we had to walk across a bridge made of sticks over a river, halfway we got held up by a long trail of goats also trying to cross. They won the battle and we had to wait for them before we could continue on. One of the goats fell off the bridge and had to trudge through the water yelling "Maaaaaaaaaam!" It was a pretty funny sight. We got to the place and our guide started telling us a bunch of info about it. During this time my stomach started getting a little weird on me. It was grumbling pretty bad and about halfway through his speech I informed Brit, "If I don't get to a bathroom right now I am actually going to shit my pants right here." I had to cut our guide off short in front of our tour group and announce that I had to get to a shitter asap. I ran into the place without paying a bypassed the lineup for the bathroom, probably bummed out a few people on that one. Once in the bathroom I had flashbacks of the African elephant center and I had what felt like a million fire ants coming out my butt. Also my hands and feet got insanely itchy during this and my whole body started boiling to probably about 200 degrees. I was covered in sweat writhing around trying to scratch my feet and plams at the same time while pooping. If someone walked in and saw me they would have been like "man that retarded kid has trouble going to the bathroom." After that all subsided a bit I got even more sick to my stomach but this time it was coming out the other end. In the bathroom there was a squatter toilet and western style sitter. So i was sitting on one while puking into the other, pretty much the messiest scene ever and I am actually kinda embarassed writing about it knowing people will be reading this...Finally I got it all outta me and came to my senses a bit which is when I realized there was NO FUCKING TOILET PAPER. I started stressing pretty bad cause I was a stinky mess but I did the only thing I could and ripped off one of my socks and used that to clean myself up. After it was a mess I realized it was one of Brit's socks and that there was no garbage can to put it in so I tried to hide it behind the toilet. Then to make matters worse the goddam toilet didn't flush. By this point I was startin to feel out of it again and I just said fuck it and didn't even bother trying to clean up I just bailed outta there. The lineup was still huge and the next few people were in for a fun bathroom visit. After I got out I told my guide I needed to go back to the guesthouse cause I felt like shit and thought I was gonna pass out. He told me we couldn't cause there was other people already on the tour we had to wait for. So I got to lay down on a bench half out of my mind while Brit ran off to get me a Coke and some water (apparently Coke helps settle your stomach, a travel tip we learned on the road). She brought it to me and promptly let me know "Wow...you look like shit, like actually like you just went for a 1000 mile run after never exercising before in your life...you just look like shit." Such a nice thing for her to say to her half dead boyfriend. So I laid there tryin to drink Coke and she got to run off and play with baby elephants. When I came to my senses I realized a goat had come up and stolen my coke. He knocked it over and drank it all. On top of that there was about 12 Asian tourists surrounding me all taking pictures of me passed out. I hate elephant breeding centers.

After that fiasco I started to feel a bit better and managed to make it out that night to a Nepali dance show that involved them stick fighting while they were on fire. Next morning we went for a jungle cruise/walk in the park. In the morning we cruised on a little dugout canoe along the river beside crocodiles before getting off at the edge of the park. Our guide let us know that we might see bears, elephants and rhino in the park and they might charge us if we aren't careful. If that happened we were supposed to climb a tree at least 6 feet tall, only problem was there were no goddam trees that were even remotely possible to climbing. To protect us our guide had a bamboo stick...just the protection you need against charging rhinos. He also had scars all over his face from a bear attack so he said attacks do happen and to watch out, we were feeling pretty safe to say the least. The walk actually turned out to be pretty uneventful since we only saw some monkeys but it was still tense being in tall grass knowing a rhino could be around the corner waiting to charge you. Also on the walk Brit got sick and chundered all over the place in front of our guides. I should have been compassionate and a good boyfriend but instead I started to cheer and laugh a little bit. Finally she got sick, all this time it has been me and she just gets to make fun of me and call me "diarrhea Dan" and now it was her turn. So yea I was kind of a dick, but I still helped her out a little bit.

So this is about the time I realize the blog is getting way too long and decide to switch to point form (which never even makes it much shorter) so to stick with that theme I'm gonna do the same again!
- Brit got sick and had to stay in bed for awhile. All the workers at our guesthouse knew us as the sick couple and ridiculed us to no end. They also kept saying Brit was pregnant and that's why she was sick. I pulled her out of bed for our jeep safari (I gave her like an hour to rest, what a nice guy hey!?) we drove around looking for rhinos which we did eventually find. We got out on foot and got super close to one which was very scary cause we woulda got trampled easily if it wanted to kill us. Then we saw two more which we also got quite close too.
- We went to a crocodile research center in the park and accidentally ended up inside one of the baby crocs pens, the crocs all started hissing at us and a worker freaked out and told us to get outta there. We didn't know we couldn't go inside.
- Rode some elephants through the park, Brit got mad at the driver cause he was hitting it with a stick. I got to feed it bananas at the end and pet his trunk, Brit was over it though cause shes already got to play with tons of baby elephants.
- Took one more rip at the elephant breeding center and got through it without being sick. Props to my body. Didn't get to pet the babies though cause they were to busy eating and playing to come over and see me.
- Left Chitwan to Pokhara to go trekking. Got there and met up with Sam and Sam, a couple we met in South Africa. We hung with them and convinced them to come trekking with us. This didn't happen though as that night I got super sick again...I ate some bad Momo's and got probably the worst sickness I had gotten the whole trip. Fucking Momo's. I was just vomiting this time so my butt was saved (thank God cause I'm pretty sure by this time my butthole would be about as effective as a cat flap trying to stop the Amazon river) but I couldn't make it an hour without puking for about 3 days. I didn't know I could hold so much inside my stomach but when it came up I could fill up entire buckets.
- Brit's birthday was on Feb 2nd which was a couple days after my initial sickness and I thought I was over it but on her birthday dinner with Sam and Sam I spent the entire time on the floor of the restuarant bathroom...sorry Brit.
- During the time in Pokhara we shopped, rented motorbikes (crotch rockets), hiked, canoed on the lake, went to a bat cave (which was super freaky and I wore my hood like a puss to protect myself from bat attacks) and got massaged by blind people which was fantastic!
- We said a sad goodbye to Sam and Sam and then headed back to Kathmandu. We had a couple more nights in the city we pretty much already saw everything in so we were kinda bored...We checked out the monkey temple which was at the top of about 100000 stairs and had monkeys everywhere. One of them tried to attack Brit and steal her candy which was funny but super freaky at the same time. I also saw a monkey mug a family. It pushed a child to the ground and wouldn't let the family pass until they handed over the fruit they had just bought.
- On our last day we didn't have any Nepali money left and didn't wanna take out more cause the banks ding you extra. So we lived in the lap of luxury with no cash eating nothing but bread and peanut butter all day and doing nothing but wandering around the city...fun times. After that we caught our next flight to China!

And that pretty much covers all we did in the country. Nepal was a pretty decent place but our stay there was 100% hindered by us getting sick. It seemed like there was lots to do but we didn't get to enjoy much cause I spent most of the time checking out the different bathrooms the country had to offer. Out of all the places we've been I think we both felt it was our least favorite so I dunno if I'll be planning on heading back. By the end of it we were both glad to be done and psyched to be heading to China where we both hoped things would be a little bit modernized and our bodies could get a little time to recoup. As a final note I didn't really mention how shitty the places to stay were in Nepal...they all promised amenities like clean water and hot showers but when you got in there the water was ice cold and usually looked like dog doo and the rooms usually smelled about the same. I got in a few arguments with hotel owners and had to storm out of a few places all pissed off. I get that it's a poor place and you gotta take it for what it is, but having people lie right to my face all the time got on my nerves. If you don't got hot water just say so. Hmm, what a nice way to end the blog with a bitchy rant about hotels...

As usual I am missing everyone at home, all the family and friends and hope that things are going good. Looking forward to partyin with everyone when I get back and giving you all your presents I've been picking up for you along the way! Derrek, Con and Ramsay there are some priiiiiiime DBZ figures comin your way. Yea, get psyched for em. If anyone out there reading this wants me to get them some type of fun present let me know via email or facebook and I'll be sure to pick them up a little something. Think of it as a thank you for reading my blog <3

Love your pal,

- Dan



 Fattest street dog in Nepal

 Rhino sighting

 On the way to the jungle walk/Brit's vomit adventure

 Goat that fell off the bridge

 Our mighty steed

 Our not so mighty steed

 The 3 day party for 1 I had in Pokhara

Climbing to the summit...the only trekking we got to do in Nepal

 Rocket crotch

 Couple bats

 Sam's not so badass bike

 Birthday girl

 My experience at the elephant breeding center

 Brit's experience at the elephant breeding center

 Gettin into the croc pen

 Monkey's that tried to mug Brit for her candy

 Sam, Sam, Brit, Dan

Indian Summer

Guten Tag out there to anyone reading this!

As always it has taken me awhile to update this bad boy, part is due to the lack of internet in the places I've been but mostly it has just been laziness. So sorry to everyone who just can't sleep at night cause they want an update so bad. Hopefully this will tide you over till I work myself up again to do another one.

I'm writing this in Chang Mai, Thailand as me and Brit are waiting to go to dinner and Muay Thai kickboxing match. However, I won't be writing about Thailand in this update cause I still got alot of ground to cover before I get to that. Side note: I am not liking Thailand so far due to the enourmous amounts of douchebag college bro type backpackers here. The country (so far) seems to be filled with the type of chongos I hate and try to avoid in my everyday life. Hopefully in the next few weeks I can escape them and the place will become more enjoyable. We'll see if my feelings have shifted when I get to the Thailand update. So today you readers get to hear about my India adventures with Brit with a special guest appearance by the two greatest people who have every lived...dun dun dun... Sid and Karen Hutchinson aka my parents.

I'll start off by saying at the end of Africa I was a whiney baby poopy diaper about travelling. It was hot, the buses were shitty and my body seemed to enjoy turning on me at the worst times causing me to have some horrible (but now hilarious) diarrhea. So even though overall I liked Africa and had lots of fun, I was a bit turned off at the idea of having another 8 months or so of travelling, especially in India. Probably the country I had the least amount of interest in going to. Also, everyone in Africa laughed as they told me "if you think Africa's bad wait till you get to India." So pretty much I didn't wanna set foot in the country and was threatening Brit that I was gonna go somewhere else and she could meet up with me after she finished India, but she ended up dragging me there despite my bitchyness.

As we got to India, I was filled with some hope that it wasn't going to be as bad as I thought because the airport was really nice. Once we left though my hopes were soon dashed as we drove through Mumbai and I saw how much of a shitty dump the place was. We got to our hotel and I slept for awhile trying to avoid having to go outside until Brit dragged me out. We spent a few days in Mumbai checking out the sights which included some huge, crazy designed buildings, Elephanta island where there were tons of caves filled with carved statues, and of course my all-time favorite sight of the whole trip so far Bone-tail cat. That is something I will never forget. The place was super hectic and busy. Cars and bikes were everywhere and crossing the street was an adventure everytime but I was happy to find the place wasn't as bad as I expected. No one hassled me as much as in Africa and I didn't feel as threatened. After Mumbia we caught a sleeper bus to Goa. This was out first "sleeper" bus, we had taken overnight buses before but they were always in regular seats. This one was an actual lay down bed type situation. Which at first seemed awesome but quickly we realized that it was going to be the shittiest ride ever...well not quite, the Malawi bus still takes that crown. Nonetheless it was a shit ride and neither of us slept at all. We both vowed to never take a sleeper bus again. We got to Goa (met Stu and Lindsay on the bus...more on them later) and it was actually really nice. We checked into a place near the beach which was way more than we thought it would be due to Christmas coming up. The beach was filled with Indian tourists who loved taking Brit's photo while she was in her bikini. Which at first was funny and she felt like a celebrity but then we realized that these dudes were probably taking that pic straight to their rooms for some alone time with Brit. The beach was crazy with techno music pounding all day and night and tons of hippies dancing like they were zombies. I assume they were all frigged up on acid, which was readily available from the locals who tried to sell it to you everytime you came near. I could have tried every type of drug imaginable if I wanted too. Also on the beach were tons of cows, it was funny at first cause you would be walking along the beach next to 4 big ass cows which were blatantly out of their element but then it just got annoying cause you'd be sleeping on your lounge chair and wake up to a giant cow head beside you licking the last bit of your drink up. Freaky shit waking up to a giant horned cow head right next to your face.

...Ok so as usual this is gettin really long and I've probably lost most of you already since I know my friends attention spans don't last that long so to save you the trouble of reading and me the trouble of typing for hours I'm gonna switch to my old standby...point form! I'll still elaborate on things I deem to be funny though so don't you worry.

- Hung out for christmas on Anjuna beach in Goa. Rented scooters, got a tiger towel for a present from Brit, I got her a dress. Swam in the ocean, Brit got lurked on by locals, we ate and drank way to much junk food (including of my new favorite desserts "hello to the queen and bebinca) and partied at weird techno hippy clubs.
- Bailed on Goa for a few days and went to Hampi which I'm pretty sure is what the creators of the Flintstones were looking at when they designed Bedrock. The place looked prehistoric, it had huge boulders on top of mountains but then it would have bigger boulders on top of the smaller ones which was super confusing as to how they all got like that. There were tons of temples and ruins to check out, we rented scooters again and burned around for a few days meeting Joey and his girlfriend Vanitha who were super cool Aussies. I feel I should also say, the pics of us on the scooter do not do the driving justice. It was very fucking wild at times and I thought I was gonna crash constantly, Brit refused to drive with me on the back so I had to take our lives in my hands several times and dodged people, cars, goats, cows and whatever other types of things wanted to jump out in front of me.
- Headed back to Goa on an interesting train ride with a bunch of locals who wouldn't leave us alone. They all crowded on our seat the whole way and made us wear their hats. Went to Palolem this time which was much quieter than Anjuna. We again met up with Stu and Lindsay randomly which was cool. We hung out with them alot while swimming and hanging in the ocean. These days were super lazy I pretty much just swam, slept and drank soda's all day. We partied on new years and everyone thougt it was funny I didn't drink so they said I had to have a soda everytime they had a beer. I ended up downing like 15-20 sodas that night with the last one being a shit mix of every type of pop Stu could find. I ended up being the only one feeling like shit the next day.
- Headed back to Mumbai to catch a flight to Delhi. In Delhi we met up with my parents. We threw them straight into the fire taking them to the old part of the city on their first day which was crazy busy and packed with people. It was a bit of sensory overload for them but got them used to India in a hurry! Saw the sights in Delhi the next few days while trying no to let Sid get ripped off by the locals. Almost got scammed for like 200 bucks!
- Caught a "12" hour train to Varanassi which actually took about 20 hours. Sid and Karen had enough of the trains after their first time on one and wanted to fly after that haha. We got to the city and again it was a fucking dive (I have been neglecting to mention all these places we've been have been super butt dirty, smelly and chaotic) the place smelled poopy and along the ghats (steps running along the river) there actually was tons of human shit, which Sid had the honor of playing Indian cricket in! Luckily he didn't step in any human dumps. The Ganges river is filth but people still like to swim and drink out of it not even seeming to care than a few feet further up the river they are burning dead bodies in the same water. The people are hella committed to their religion. I wouldn't even wanna stick my hand in that mess. Sid also made a bud here who tricked him into buying oil of of him for a high price, he got a beer out of him and a bunch of money that was refunded from our train tickets!
- We flew to the city where the Kama Sutra temple is (I couldn't spell it if you had a gun to my head) and checked that out. It was pretty graphic, Brit's favorite was the horse porn.
- We hired a driver named Raj who took us to Bandhavgargh where we wanted to see some wild tigers. On the way he stopped numerous times to take a dip (chew) and I'm pretty sure he always had a lipper in. He also got Brit and Sid to drink some roadside/homemade moonshine that I'm surprised didn't make them both blind. They both took one sip then called it, Raj being the good guy he is pounded back both cups of the stuff and then proceeded to drive us all the rest of the way, blowing through stop signs, road checks and toll booths as he went. Oh yea, he also tried to run over some rabbits. That night he hung out in our hotel room and drank two mickey's of rum which he claimed was wine. Guy parties hard.
- Got up the next day and went on safari. Got lucky and saw a tiger pretty quick. There was 3 munching on some animal they killed in the bushes, we got to ride an elephant over to check it out. I also got to poop in the bushes.
- Raj drove us to Agra where we got to check out the Taj Mahal. It was good. We had a scavenger hunt where we had a few hours to complete a list of things including: picture with a street dog, picture of a camel, buying a tacky tourist shirt, eating a hot pepper, getting a local to lay with you in the street, finding a blue eyed indian and drive a rickshaw. It had some other stuff too but I can't remember it all. I think it ended up being a tie.
- After Agra we headed into Rajasthan. First stop there was Jaipur which was a so-so city with some cool forts and temples but I was all templed out by then so it wasn't as exciting as they probably should have been. We did get to charm a cobra though, Sid sat right with the guy and grabbed one of his snakes and was kissing it while it wrapped around his neck. For me and Brit the guy put one cobra right in front of me and then started talking to Brit. It was sketchy cause the snake wasn't paying attention to him it was just staring at me the whole time, it then tried to bite me twice and the guy didn't even give a fuck! No one seemed to care everyone just laughed at me while this cobra tried to bite my face off. It felt like I was gettin the Mansel stomp. There was a kite festival in town and everyone was flying kites, there was literally thousands of them. Sid got to fly some guys kites and ended up losing a couple, nice of the tourist to come lose your shit eh? We also got a naked massage...I got mine from a guy who came super close several times to touching my bare dick, which wasn't at it's most impressive due to Brit getting the only heater in the room. Not like I was trying to impress the Indian guy massaging me but still...whenever that shit's flappin around you want it to look at its best. Brit and my parents also got a naked rub down and we tricked Sid into thinking he was the only one who got naked and got some weird gay massage guy.
- Next we were off to Pushkar. Small little place where we lurked the village and did some shoppin at the markets. We went on a camel safari that destroyed my nuts, originally I wanted to go on a long overnight one but everyone was against it and I'm glad cause after a few hours I think I am sterile forever now. Sid also got scammed by some dudes for some more dollars here and spent lots of his time in a bar overlooking the town so he could watch a group of grubby bikers and make fun of them to us. We played a bunch of dice games and my mom smoked us all pretty often. I also almost got caught in a late night cow stampede while en route to get treats. We also went to a cooking class here so I'll be happy to make you guys all some Indian food when I get home.
- Last stop of the journey was in Johdpur where we parted ways with my parents. We had about 3-4 days before we had to seperate and in that time we had some lassi's that were fantastic, got ripped off buying spice, Sid flaunted his wealth by showing all the locals his new Blackberry iPad thing, I got the entire family mad at me for wandering the streets alone while leaving them at a dinner and we saw probably my second favorite sight which was a cow peeing into another cow's mouth I wish I had a camera for that.
- Parted ways with the parents and then headed back to Delhi to catch a flight to our next stop which was Kathmandu in Nepal.

Despite being apprehensive at first about the country I actually really enjoyed India. We saw some wild stuff like people with eyes, limbs and open wounds on the streets begging for money (no pics cause I just didn't feel right bustin the camera on them...although the guys with no eyes probably wouldn't have noticed), cows everywhere, pervy Indian guys, sleazy dudes rippin us off, insane traffic and grime and extreme poverty but that was all part of the (I don't think "fun" is the right word but its all I can think of so I'm using it) fun. The food was rad, the beaches were gorgeous and there was way to many sights to see in one trip. Still, I don't think I'll be heading back there anytime soon. Quick list of India highlights before I go:

- Beaches in Goa
- Hampi aka Bedrock
- Tiger sighting
- Raj our crazy driver
- Sid getting ripped off
- Cow peeing in other cow's mouth
- Brit stepping in cow poo a couple times
- Grubby biker guys and Sid spending half his days lurking on them
- Kama Sutra temples
- Scooter rides
- Food
- Street animals
- Goats in coats
- And my #1 favorite of all time...Bone-tail cat

Whoa that was a long one, I think maybe the longest yet? Thanks to anyone with enough attention to get through that. It means a lot that you care to read about what Brit and I are doing. I hope the spelling and grammar mistakes were kept to a minimum, by the end of writing these things I am always too shattered to go back through em and fix it up. So I hope if there are tons of mistakes that at least they are funny. As always I'll throw my shout-out to my best-reader/friend Ryan "Weedbeard" Rumsey (2 nicknames in one...guy has too many nicknames) and the rest of the Rats. I miss everyone back home from all my family and closest friends, my buds in Van, Brits crew and last but definetly not least all my buds in the Valley HC scene I miss going to shows with all of ya. I'll hopefully update this again soon so I can keep them shorter. Love ya all.

- Dan