dannyxhutch: No Rikey Pt. 2

Welcome back everyone out there!

Once again I am sitting in a mingly (I've learned British people like to use the word "minging" to describe something dirty but I kept getting it wrong and saying it "mingly" which I actually prefer, so I use that now. Try it out on your friends) internet cafe writing another long and drawn out blog entry that most people will get halfway through then let me know that my blog's are too long for them to read and need to be shorter. Too bad for those people since I don't succumb to peer pressure so I'm just gonna keep on writing my ass off and see how long I can actually make these bad boys. That being said, I only have about half an hour left of my internet time so I gotta make this semi quick. I'll write as quick as I can and we'll all see how far I can get. Sounds like fun.

Ok, so here's a quick run down on what's been going on since my last update which I wrote while we we're in Cambodia. We went through a few places in Thailand.

Well now that that's outta the way lets get going on the second part of our quick burn through China! When I left ya'll last Brit and I were just heading out of crazy Shanghai to a little place by the name of Suzhou. Except it's not that little. China has a weird way of describing small places, it seems that if less than 2 million people live there then it's a small place but to me that is fucking massive and makes me get lost for hours. Which was exactly the case in Suzhou...So Brit and I left Shanghai by hopping on a train that claimed it was going to get us to Suzhou in about half an hour. Looking at a map however I didn't think that was gonna be possible cause it was quite the distance away. We got on the train and it more resembled the inside of an airplane than the trains we were used to. We got going and both realized that we probably were gonna make it there in half an hour cause the train was insaaaaaanely fast. I dunno how quick it was actually going but you couldn't even tell what was whizzing by the window when you looked out. I'm pretty sure if the thing went of the rails we would have just flown across the earth and ended up on my front doorstep in Vernon. So we ended up getting to Suzhou on time.

The main draw in Suzhou is the gardens that are supposed to be extremely gorgeous when everything is in bloom on a nice summer day. The only problem was we were in China when the place was freezing my tits off and I don't think the flowers like to bloom in torrential downpours of ice water. So we got to our hostel which ended the streak we had going of nice hostels in China...bummer. It was getting kinda late and we headed out to see the first garden only to find it was closed for the evening...another bummer. Instead we wandered around the city and found a crazy walking street with tons of shops and an arcade which we took a peek in. We quickly found out that it's no stereotype and Asians LOVE video games. I spent a good hour or so wandering around watching the kids murk each other at all types of fighting games and both me and Brit were in awe of one girl playing Dance Dance Revolution. She had the game going on the hardest difficulty and the hardest song and wasn't missing a single step...not only that she was playing 2 fucking DDR machines at one time! Fucking insane. Brit thought she'd give it a go and got on the easiest setting only to be made a fool of in front of a large crowd of Chinese people that came to laugh at her. We played some Mario cart after that and I showed Brit how a real man drives. For some reason I put the picture of it up on the last blog entry though...You'll have to scroll down there to see evidence that it actually happened. After putting Brit in her place through Mario cart I ended up at a hair salon getting my hair cut somehow. It cost me 3 dollars and I got a full shampoo/head massage from one girl, a back, neck and arm massage from another girl and then finally my hair cut and styled by some guy. I think Chatter's needs to lower their prices after that service! Brit disagrees. Quick side note...the Asians thought the style of hair cut I wanted was absurd and I had a big crowd watching me get the cut. Apparently the standard fade cut is really out there in China.

Next day we got some info from our hotel lady on how to get to the best garden Suzhou had to offer. She wrote a note for us to hop on the 509 bus and ride it right till the end and we couldn't miss the huge park/garden. We got the bus rode it for an hour till the bus driver forced us to get off...in the middle of fucking nowhere. We wandered around but couldn't find this garden so had to walk a ways back till another 509 going the opposite direction got us. We rode it again all the way to the other end of town which took like 2-3 hours on the bus, huge fucking city with tons of stops. Got off again and found there was no garden and no civilization around. Wandered forever but found nothing...the only good thing about it was Brit had to hide in a bush and pee on the side of the road awkwardly which made me laugh. For once it wasn't me doing the embarrassing shit. We decided to pull out the ol' note our hotel lady gave us and found that we were actually supposed to catch the 309...but it was too late now and the day was ruined on buses. We took another 2 hours to get back in the city and just laid low for the night...defeated by the gardens of Suzhou. In the morning we caught another train to Hangzhou which is further south near the east coast. The city was super nice when we rolled in with crazy Ferrari, Aston Martin and Porsche car dealerships lining the streets. We rucked up to our hostel which again was fancy and cheap. Hangzhou is famous for the big lake that it's built around. There are big temples and rock formations jutting up out of the lake and tons of Chinese style boats cruise around on it all day offering tours. Brit and I opted for the health conscious route and walked around the entire lake which was really nice and the first actual "exercise" I got in months. Other than the lake though Hangzhou wasn't that action packed...at this point the allure of the huge Chinese cities had worn off and the actual city part of it was all starting to look the same to me.

After Hangzhou we had originally planned to go to Xiamen which is right on the coast. At the last second though we switched our plans and decided to head to Yangshou which is more towards the interior above Guangzhou and Hong Kong...which probably means nothing to the people reading this. Trust me though if you look at a map I'm geographically correct. The trip to Yangshou was rough due to the length. I'm pretty sure we were on the train for about 24 hours and every stop we had to question tons of people to figure out where we were (if you read the last one you'll recall that NO one speaks English). Everyone usually just gave us the head shake + talk to the hand gesture. Such a polite way of saying "I don't understand," sticking your dirty mitt right in my face. After the huge train ride we had to hop on a bus for another hour or so to get where we wanted to be.

Right when we got there though we knew we made a good decision. The landscape in the place was crazy. The guidebook described it as "absolutely gorgeous karst topography." Since I didn't know what "karst topography" was and I'm not sure if many of you will be able to imagine what that looks like, I'll put it not-so smart sounding terms. They were super high pointy mountains covered in trees that just jutted out of everywhere. Like something you'd see in Kung Fu Panda. If you're a Mr. Smartypants though you can just go the karst topography route instead. The town was also situated along the Li and Yulong river and the streets around it are for walking only which made it extra nice. We got to a nice hostel again and cruised the streets. Got some weird food for dinner which I didn't like too much and then went for massages. Brit seems to like these Asian style massages which is absurd to me cause I think the girls doing it are just trying to hurt you on purpose. Brit is either getting the wimpy girls who don't push hard or I'm just a huge puss cause every time I go I am on the verge of tears while they bend and break me while Brit is just smiling away. Despite this I still keep going to them thinking that the next one will always be better than the last...

Next day we rented bikes to go ride to the Dragon Bridge along the Yulong river which is supposed to have the nicest scenery. We got our bikes and the hostel people gave us ponchos for the rain they assured us was coming. I scoffed at them saying I would be all good but they insisted so we ended up taking them, which turned out to be a life saver. About 10 minutes into our ride it started to pour rain all over us. We were told that the place we wanted to go was about a 30 min ride so we pushed on thinking the rain would stop but it just got worse and worse. We ended up in another town and having to ask people where to go. Some guys pointed us down a road that looked sketchy. We headed down and ended up beside the river on a bridge that didn't look very Dragon-esque. We took some flicks and crossed to the other side to head back. We followed a dirt path along the river that our map told us to take but it ended up going through peoples farms and crops getting super skinny. Neither Brit or I could actually ride on the path cause it was so rough and skinny, and there was a river on one side and a 5 foot drop into mud on the other. We ended up walking our bikes along this path for hours getting soaked and covered in mud. Along the way Brit realized she lost the bike lock so I had to trudge back to go look for it. I ended up not finding it and when I came back Brit was getting accosted by some crazy Chinese guy. He was yelling at her flailing his arms and pointing in all directions. We had no idea what he was trying to say so just kept walking with him yelling at us. Eventually we got to a part in the river where we could cross to the other side and hopefully get back to the road but after going halfway we realized we were probably going to get swept away and had to head back. I pulled out the map to figure out where we were but it got so drenched in the rain it just disintegrated instantly in my hands. The sun was going down and we were hopelessly lost on some skinny little path in the middle of nowhere. We got so frustrated we decided to cut across some crop land into a little village nearby to ask for directions. Once we got across the crops and farm we found a nice, pleasant little paved biking path that ran all the way along the river. Good thing we didn't find that 5 hours earlier...We booked it along the path to try and get back before it was pitch black out and it took us forever with more wrong turns and semi-getting lost. We ended up back in Yangshou without even knowing it and were asking for directions all over the place and stressing out before realizing we were 1 street over from our hostel. That one made me feel really smart.

After that fiasco Brit and I were completely soaked and frozen. I ran straight into the hot shower and for some reason my hands and feet started to itch uncontrollably. I tried scratching but nothing worked and I was freaking the fuck out trying to get Brit to help me. She couldn't do anything but laugh at me though. It subsided after like an hour and after I scratched them raw. I was in such a piss poor mood that night I went to the nearest Mcdonald's and just ate Big Mac's. Once we got back to our hostel we found a brochure with pictures of the Dragon Bridge and realized the bridge we had found wasn't even the right one...apparently the one we found was just a simple foot bridge and wasn't even special at all. Needless to say, it was a great bike trip.
In the morning we went to the big local market where we were exposed to our first cat and dog meat sales. It's pretty common to hear the stereotype that you'll be fed cat meat in China and that Chinese people like to eat dog but I didn't really think it was that true. At this market though there were dead cats and dogs skinned and hanging on hooks to bleed out. Guys were chopping through dogs skulls with big cleavers and popping out their eyeballs. The worst thing though was that their were live dogs and cats squished together in cages all shaking in fear. Must be pretty rough to be sitting right there watching your buds get skinned and chopped up. The dead dogs were laid on top of the live dogs cage and they were getting covered in blood and licking at the dead dogs above them. It was super grusome and I thought beforehand it would be interesting to see but I just felt really weird and gross so we had to get the fuck outta there. Neither of us were too inclined to eat meat for a couple days after that. Out last excursion in Yangshou was to the rice terraces near the city. They are the rice fields carved up the sides of mountains and you get to hike to the top to overlook the villages and rice fields of the surrounding villages. On the way we stopped at this long-haired village where the women don't cut their hair for their entire lives. They had a play/dance show to teach what their culture was all about and I got selected to participate from the crowd in front of about 150 people. I had to wear a silly get-up and dance around with these women while they pinched my ass. Then they gave me a mic and told me I had to sing a love song in front of everyone...most embarrassing shit ever. Afterwards a local news team interviewed me and informed me they filmed the whole thing so I may have wound up on Chinese television. The rice paddies themselves weren't so great due to the fog but the villages were cool and the hike was nice so all in all it was a good day trip...aside from being humiliated in front of a large audience.

This is running really long now and my internet time is almost up (I went over my half hour time limit) so for the last stop of China, which was Hong Kong I am going to switch back to my trusty friend. Point form!

- Caught overnight bus from Yangshou to Hong Kong that was jam packed with people. Had to sleep 3 people in a 2 person bed. Me, Brit and strange Chinaman.
- Got to Hong Kong and checked into Chunking Mansions (cheapest places to stay in Hong Kong) which was a crazy mall/apartment building with about 100 different hostels inside. The rooms are literally a bed. Open the door, one person gets on the bed and the other passes the bags in and then comes in onto the bed. There is no standing room at all.
- Checked out the walk of fame and lights show. Saw Jackie Chan's, Bruce Lee's and Jet Li's hand prints.
- Went up the peak tram to the top of HK. Hiked all the way down.
- Cruised Soho and the bar district.
- Rode the longest escalator in the world.
- Searched for and purchased self-freezing Coke. You open it and it turns into a slurpee somehow.
- Shopped til we dropped.
- Went to HK Disneyland. Watched Mickey Mouse speak Chinese and got grilled out by Stitch in front of a large audience.
- Went in lots of huge malls and tall buildings.
- Rode trams and hit the beaches.
- Got accosted by millions of people trying to sell me anything you could imagine (except Monkey's paw's, sorry Ramsay)
- Got lost in sea's of people trying to cross the road.
- Took a day trip to Macau (the Vegas of the east) and checked out insanely big casinos. More like cities than hotels. Quickly realized I am no good at gambling and would have been bankrupt if Brit wasn't there to stop me. Partied in casinos all night and didn't get home till around 4am.
- Ate lots of noodles.
- Caught a flight to Bangkok.

There you have it folks. If you have managed to make it this far you've just come with me on a fantastic journey across China. You pretty much don't ever need to go there yourselves now thanks to the amazing writing in this blog. No need to thank me. I hope you guys and gals enjoyed it...especially these people for letting me know what a bangup job I'm doing: Ryan Ramsay, Zach Hutchinson, my Auntie Lynn and Uncle Tom, Uncle Frank, My Bro (maybe if he makes it through), Joni and Derrek, Damien Moore, Cory Myraas, Jon Arkle, Grant McChicken, Cory Dobson, Brenton aka Fatty, Bing and anyone else who has been secretly checking this rig out without letting me know. I love all ya'll and look forward to seeing those handsome faces when I get home!

Keep livin' wrong everyone,

peace, love, rw

- dan

Ps. Bing is gonna get a rad gift cause she was the only one who messaged me and asked for one! Rest of you gotta get on that if you wanna have fun useless stuff cluttering your house!